Frozen Meltdown: Showing Up On the Path of Yoga
Integral Yoga Magazine February 2024
Huddled inside my heaviest winter coat at the edge of a pond, I watched as my coffee steam merged with misty clouds of my breath. At dawn the cranberry bog in coastal Massachusetts was an expanse of frozen sand and wiry tangles of russet vines; old snow scudded across the fields and collected in thin drifts at the pond’s edge. My dog, Zoë, a diminutive yet feisty Doberman Pinscher, ran sprints on the frozen path.
I still felt the inner warmth of my morning meditation. But I also felt wiped-out; a result of yesterday’s out-of-nowhere emotional meltdown. My morning sadhana, Yoga practice, had helped. But still exhausted and unsettled; I took my doubts on a walk.
The meltdown had happened in the midst of a movie date with my husband. At first the noise was too jangly; then the popcorn chomping rattled; the rumble from the action-flick in the adjoining theatre disrupted; and when the battle scene of our period drama commenced, the clashing cut me down. All my usual tricks—Yogini! Heal thyself!—did not work. Not deep breaths, not shutting my eyes, not my mantra, not relaxing my body, not riding the wave. I fled to the fluorescent cavern of the bathroom, locked myself in a stall, and sobbed. One thought repeated: does anything I do really matter, anyway….
Integral Yoga Magazine
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